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There has been a slow and steady influx of unwanted and misguided conversation plaguing our boards over the last year or so. I don't think this is a surprise to any of you all. While we ultimately encourage healthy discussion around both the positives and negatives of dating the overall spirit of this sub has been lost. Many of our readers have expressed their concern to our moderation team and we honestly feel the same way.

Our "No Soap-boxing or Promoting an Agenda" rule has always been on the sidebar for our users to see but I want to stress our current stance on the topic. Soap-boxing will and has always included red/black-pill ideology, "alpha-male" talk, and the subset of vocabulary that comes with it.

This means that using our board to preach about how there is no hope for men (or women) who are conventionally unattractive is unwanted and will be removed. Using our board to discuss how you think women are shallow and will only choose the top percentage of men is unwanted and will be removed. Even just a mention of the term "Chad" is unwanted and will be removed.

We can sympathize that dating is difficult and is even more difficult for people that might not be the prettiest. It's no secret to anyone. What we value though is genuine discussion and helping those who actually want and need it. The countless misogynistic threads about how women and society aren't fair to men are toxic and don't do anyone any favors. There are better subreddits that would love to discuss these types of concerns with you in a more healthy way. Misandry is as equally intolerable.

At the end of the day let's lift each other up. Let's share our experiences and learn and/or laugh from them! Ask the questions that need to be asked. But let's not lose sight of what dating is really about.

EDIT: If you do see any rule breaking behavior please report so that we can take action. It's hard to see every comment. Thanks!

Has anyone here successfully broken out of unhealthy relationship and dating patterns?

I’ve always ended up going back to Tinder because it feels like a safety net. Looking back, I’ve spent years caught in messy, toxic, and generally unhealthy dating dynamics.

I’m aware of my own patterns, the kinds of women I tend to attract, and the fact that instability feels familiar to me (probably because of my childhood, don’t ask as it’s just very fucking sad). Deep down, I don’t think I really believe I deserve a genuinely good woman or something longstanding. I came from a broken home.

I’ve had casual sex and ends up being what I default back too, but it’s usually felt empty and disconnected and more of a biological urge. It doesn’t feel like anything more and I’m not building connections. My life has always felt chaotic, and I’ve struggled with the idea of letting someone in because I worry I’ll just drag them down with me.

Recently, though, I met someone who is completely different from anyone I’ve dated before. She’s nothing like the women I’m used to, and for some reason she actually likes me. She’s emotionally mature, healthy, kind, and genuinely good for me.

We communicate well, get along effortlessly, and have amazing chemistry. She’s incredible.
We started out as friends, but without really intending to, things gradually became more than that. Lines got crossed, and now I’m feeling completely thrown off because this is so different from anything I’ve ever experienced. I really like her. Like really really like her.

The problem is that I’m terrified.

This kind of relationship is completely outside of my comfort zone. I genuinely want to break these old patterns and give myself a real chance at being happy, but I don’t know how. How does my familial background and my current life baggage not make me a red flag?

My life is already full of major changes related to work and moving city, family issues, a sick and dying best friend and a lot of stress. Surely that’s too much for someone to take on? I should just save them the hassle?

I can’t imagine losing her from my life, but I’m also scared to take the leap and actually pursue something real. What if it doesn’t work out? But maybe even more terrifying… what if it does? What if she’s actually everything I’ve been looking for? I feel like I’m sabotaging myself before I’ve even given this a chance.

I ended up telling her that we needed to take a step back and stop whatever this was becoming. Naturally, she’s hurt and confused because we crossed that line together, only for me to suddenly put the walls back up and say this isn’t happening anymore when it was something she really wanted.

I know I’m putting her through an emotional roller coaster, and I hate that. But I can’t seem to convince myself that I deserve something healthy, meaningful, and lasting when so much of my life feels like it’s going wrong right now. I went back to tinder as my safe space even-though I know it’s wrong, I have a potential great connection right there.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you get past the fear of finally having something good?

I don’t want to lose her, I feel terrible for giving her hope then taking it away but I am terrified. How do I stop my previous history from talking me out of this when I know I want it and it could be incredible for me. It’s unknown and familiar and I’d never have expected her, she subverts my type in every way.

(This is also not me placing the blame on the women here or saying it’s the women’s fault that I’ve gone for toxic situation’s or saying it is them. It’s the fact of the matter that I have always been drawn to unhealthy situations as my life has always been unstable. It feels familiar).

HOW DO I NOT SELF SABOTAGE AND JUST LET MYSELF BE HAPPY